Listening to a podcast about sacred intimacy this morning, I feel uninspired and bored. My body is in pain, my heart aches and all I can think about is all the ways I’m inadequate and not following ‘my path’ in this life. Here we are again. Years of deep soul searching and I still end up with a day like this? A day full of un focused energy and thinking that everyone else has it figured out but me? Knowing the tools, I have at my disposal; doesn’t mean I choose to use these tools when I feel in a stuck place. So, what is that bridge I ask myself. The bridge from feeling how I'm feeling right now and the more mindful and pleasurable place I would actually like to be in? I know the answer. It's breath awareness. But how do I get myself to breathe ? How do I get myself to be just inspired enough to get up off this chair and sit in my meditation spot to breathe consciously for a couple minutes? I know the answer to that as well, its forgiveness. Its acceptance of what is right now. Acceptance of my heart ache, acceptance of my boredom, acceptance of my motherhood, acceptance of the mundane, the dishes and the garden. Acceptance of all the chores, acceptance of all the things I’m not doing and all the dreamscapes of people I’m not. Fully accepting myself. Ok, sounds good, but again, how exactly do I do that right now? I’m stuck, and part of me doesn’t want to feel better. This part has its arms crossed across the chest, convinced that feeling shitty right now is where it’s at. Is there one thing, I ask myself, that can snap me out of this funk? Is there a tiny little glimpse of something precious somewhere, that I can hold on to and pull myself up? I know the answer to this as well, it’s my rosebush. And this thought is giving me a tiny new spark. I smile thinking about it. I actually want to go outside and smell them, those bright pink beautiful roses right outside my door. Well, get up! Go do that! Follow the desire! Follow this tiny thread! However small it seems, it is the next step forward!
Smelling the delicious scent of these amazing flowers, brought me to tears. It shifted something in my heart. I allowed the emotions of sadness to come alive, the breaking of my heart to continue. And I noticed that what the boredom had actually been all about this morning, was my resistance to these tears. A long standing deeply nourishing romantic relationship had come to an end this month, and I didn’t want to cry about it, again. But when I did, the boredom dissipated and something real appeared. Sacred pain. And I now know the only way to feel my Sacred Pleasure comes when I can embrace this pain. Thank you again, my sweet tender heart, for showing me the way. I’m breathing and smelling the roses and able to accept the stillness. I am the bridge.
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